Baby face
21 Jul

Nicola’s Story part 6

We all remember that feeling we had when we peed on our Clearblue Easy test and finally saw the results we’d longed for. It’s like all your Christmases and birthdays coming at once. I still have the stick that told me I was pregnant with Baby, even though the digital display has long since flickered out of existence. In today’s instalment, Nicola finds out if her IVF worked or not.

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Today is test day and I splash out on a Clearblue digital test, which clearly states if I am pregnant or not. I am the sort of person not to believe something unless it is perfectly clear for me to see. I pee on the technically advanced stick and wait the few minutes it states I should. I am doing everything by the book! I sit with my Husband and we wait together, too scared to look. Eventually I take my hand away from the screen and I see the words. Pregnant 1-2 weeks!

We look at each other and we can’t quite believe it. It’s happening for us, it’s really happening. We phone our parents who have known we are going through this treatment and they are so happy. Then, off to work we go as normal, keeping my little secret on board. I obviously need to tell my forum buddies though! Straight on the laptop armed with a picture I took of the test and that is my only comment on the started thread, just my picture. They all knew what this meant!

One of the good things about the forum is the knowledge people have on there and one thing I knew that was completely normal in pregnancy was spotting. This is when you bleed a little and a few spots appear in your knickers or when you wipe and it is classed as implantation bleeding.

When this happened to me when I got home, I wasn’t a bit fazed. In fact, I don’t think I even told anyone. I had a nest to build. I went into the spare room and went through the draws to make sure nothing needed to go in the loft. My Mother-in-law stayed with us for a short time while waiting for the purchase of her new house to go through and stayed in this room.

In one of the draws I found a Children’s storybook and a baby frame where you can put lots of different photos on the front. I asked my Husband if he knew about them. “Never seen them in my life,” he replies. I get my phone and ring my Mother-in-law and she tells me she started collecting things when she knew we were trying for a baby. That put a smile on my face and I realised that this is what happens. I was spoilt by my Grandparents and couldn’t wait to give our parents that title.

Busting for the toilet (convincing myself that this is what is to come), I rush to have a wee. All I see is the blood. This isn’t spotting and I can’t convince myself otherwise. I know what this is. This is the end. It was over.

I tell my husband and I can see the disappointment on his face. This was his dream, too. His baby. And it was over for us. I don’t know what to do next. The forum is saying that it might still be OK. People in there have bled like this and still been pregnant, but I knew. I knew I didn’t have a baby anymore.

We were advised to go to A&E so off we went. We booked ourselves in with the very unsympathetic receptionist, which we were clearly putting out by being there and waited to be called. After half an hour we were called and had to explain what happened. I was handed a pot and was told to put a urine sample in there.

My Husband and I were put in a room and, even though this was a very hard time for us, my Husband was still trying to make me laugh. He’s making jokes about us getting dressed in all the stuff around us, the masks, the scrubs and the blue sock things you have to put on your shoes and both be sat there like that for when the Nurse reappears. The vision of this just has me in stitches and I am crying with laugher when the Nurse comes into the room. She clearly doesn’t look impressed and quickly informs us we are not pregnant anymore.

We leave the hospital numb. It is officially all over.

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Parts 7 and 8 of Nicola’s Story will be posted next Tuesday and Thursday.

11 Comments

  1. 21 Jul

    Jenny AKA Mrs O

    Oh please don’t make us wait?! I have my heart in my mouth reading Nicola’s story x

  2. 21 Jul

    Yvette

    I am so sorry to read this. In fact, I’m welling up at my desk. Life can be so very cruel, and I feel so sad for Nicola and her husband x

  3. 21 Jul

    thebabywife

    Oh god, I can’t even begin to imagine the crushing sadness :(

  4. 21 Jul

    Lynsey

    I still remember the text telling me to post on the forum as well with your news and was gutted for you both. Can’t imagine how you must have felt. xx

  5. 21 Jul

    Hermione

    This sucks – but I feel your pain. Thanks for sharing Nicola. It can be so hard to talk about miscarriage – you are very brave. After all you’ve been through to get to this point it must have been awful. The sadness after miscarriage is so deep. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Truly the worst.

  6. 21 Jul

    Emma

    Oh, this is heartbreaking. Nicola, it sounds like you two went through so much.
    xx

  7. 21 Jul

    Katy Lunsford

    How utterly devastating, Nicola my heart goes out to you. Please say this story has a happy ending? (I know I have to wait but I’m hoping)

  8. 24 Jul

    Ruth Merrington

    I am glued to your entries every week. You are so brave to write it out for all to see though I have to say I appreciate it. This is really hitting home for me.I know how hard it is, no one ever tells you about the struggles when you are growing up. My Husband & I have suffered 2 miscarriages now & I can’t bear myself to try again as it’s just too painful. I am hoping you & everyone else TTC gets their miracle.
    xxx

  9. 26 Jul

    Nicola

    Thank you so much for following my story and your kind words. x

  10. 27 Jul

    charlie-cherry pie lane

    oh gosh nicola, i’m just catching up with your story again :( you guys so deserve to be happy. it’s unfair for lovely people like you to have to wait for so long! *hugs* xxxx

  11. 16 Dec

    Jodie

    This is just so heartbreaking. My husband and I have just started trying for a baby and i love reading ‘I Carried a Watermelon’ which i found on The Urban Boheme. I have started at the beginning of this blog and am working my way through. Im praying for a happy ending for you Nicola as you really deserve it after so long of trying and hoping. Julia i love your blog and your photography is a.ma.zing!! xx

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