17 Jun

A cat’s tale

I haven’t yet written about my other child: my cat. Inspired by this blog, where the mother writes in the voice of her baby, Little M, I thought I’d write an excerpt from my cat’s point of view about the intrusion of Baby into his life. Sometimes I catch him watching Baby, with a look of concentration on his face, and I imagine he’s thinking: “Is it chicken or beef?”

Something strange is going on.

Mummy Cat and Slave Cat brought home a…well, I’m not sure what it is. It is not a kitten because it has no fur. In fact, that is what I will call it until I figure out what it is: No Fur.

It wasn’t here and then, suddenly, it was here. And it was loud. When No Fur meows, it makes me want to hide in the Green Territory. Which is fine, but lately, there has been a lot of the cold wet stuff falling from the sky and it makes my fur soggy. It takes hours to dry it all off so that I look pretty again.

No Fur seems to be everywhere. All the doors are closed now, so I can’t go in many of the rooms. Mummy Cat is always bringing it into the room where I like to curl up on the sofa during the Bright Hours; you know, the one with the Annoying Loud Moving Picture Box in it. No Fur is usually making noise, until Mummy Cat cuddles it close and it stops. That is when the smell of milk gets very strong. Mummy Cat never gives me milk. I always get the colourless milk. Bleugh.

When Mummy Cat isn’t looking, I have watched No Fur. From a distance, of course. I don’t want to go anywhere near it, especially because its paws are always waggling around and I’ve already mentioned the sounds it makes. I tried jumping onto Mummy Cat’s lap a couple times in the beginning, while No Fur was being cuddled and quiet, but Mummy Cat hissed at me. And No Fur didn’t even notice me, which, frankly, is just plain rude. Doesn’t it know whose Territory this is?

Perhaps I should learn from No Fur. When it meows, it gets the milk. I will try meowing all the time at Mummy Cat and Slave Cat to see if I can get some, too.

Only two good things have happened since No Fur arrived. First, Mummy Cat spends more time in the Territory. And also, Mummy Cat comes into my Sleeping Room more during the Dark Hours. She puts cup things on her teats, there is a buzzy pumping sound and the smell of milk gets strong, but No Fur isn’t there. This is when I practice meowing at Her and She usually gives me extra food and then Slave Cat gives me still more food a few hours later. I suppose No Fur has been good for something.

I miss the time before No Fur, but, to be honest, my memory isn’t very good and it’s already starting to feel like No Fur has always been here. I suppose I’ll get used to it. But one thing is for sure, No Fur is going to have to learn who is the boss around here! The order is Me, Mummy Cat, and then Slave Cat. I’ll have to wait and see how long its claws are before I place it in the hierarchy because, as we all know, long claws equal better back scratching.

Well, it’s time for me to make a hasty exit through my Freedom Flap into the Green Territory. No Fur is meowing again and it’s paining my sensitive ears.



  1. 17 Jun

    Claire Sullivan

    Couldn’t stop laughing….

  2. 17 Jun

    Sara Thomas

    Slave Cat – love it :)

  3. 17 Jun

    Kaz Fernando

    Very funny indeed, as always!
    If you ever have a book published I would so buy it! Hope all is good with you XXX

  4. 17 Jun


    This is a lovely post. I’m glad your cat seems to be getting used to Abdul.
    It can’t be easy for him, but I’m sure the extra cat food helps :)

  5. 18 Jun

    Jenny AKA Mrs O

    ‘freedom flap’, I think I might start referring to my post pregnancy foo foo as that! haha

  6. 20 Jun

    Lucy Roberts

    Sooooo funny! I kept giggling out loud as I read.
    As someone who also has a new baby at home, with two cats who were very much the babies before, I could definitely associate with the poor moggie.
    My cats get a look on their faces at times that seems to say “What the hell is it? And why do you keep taking it away but insist on bringing it back?”
    But at least neither of them took to the baby smothering and mauling that everyone tried to convince me they would. I don’t think they’d want to be that close!

  7. 24 Jun

    Deborah Tracey

    Hilarious! Slave cat ha ha!! I like your style

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